tonight i went to the pub with my friends, some of whom i haven’t seen for too long. we played pool and listened to music and talked about the usual ridiculous things we used to talk about. they were wonderful. i stood at the bar, stocked with drinks, and ordered juice. six times. it was hard, but i did it. and when the smells of their drinks were choking me, i turned away and sipped my juice. i know i should be proud of that. i know i should be proud of going out, of taking another Step. but i don’t know that i enjoyed it. it’s my fault. i found myself unsure. how to act, what to say, when to laugh. i felt myself slipping back into that girl who acted as everyone needed at the appropriate moments, the girl who did anything to seem okay, who made light of everything. the girl i’m not anymore. and it leaves the question, who am i? who am i now? i don’t know. and i don’t know how to find out.