December 2011
sweep me off my feet again
tonight we will be re-united, only for a few minutes. i will let myself think about you for the first time in weeks and it will hurt as if you’ve just left. for the first time since i last spoke to you, the unsteady graph-lines of our life will come to the same point. you will peak, i will dip, dangerously. you will be kissing someone else and i will wonder who she is. then we’ll fall...
“I am free and that is why I am lost.”
– franz kafka.
I thought you were gay?
- anonymous.
was i bisexual, or extremely lonely?
What is your relationship like with your parents?
- anonymous.
i’m alive because of them. my love for them, and theirs for me, is the one thing that is stronger than this disease.
The last time you felt content with everything...
- gingerbread-coffin.
3.59pm, 28th july this year. the last minutues i lay in his bed.
i am strong.
i am brave.
“we kill all the caterpillars
and complain there are no butterflies”
so many decisions. but i forgot, i can’t make decisions. i can only hide.
when you want nothing more than to cry
but your cheeks are taut and your eyes are cracked
so you settle for curling into yourself
and just closing your eyes
tight
as if everything could just disappear
just leave
and sobs reverberate in your ribs anyway
and on christmas day i had clean hair and nice clothes and perfume and makeup, and in the mirror was a ghost of myself. a reminder. a hope.
but i did it. i got through christmas,
and i did it with a smile on my face. i did it.
my chest screws up so fiercely sometimes that i think i’ll harm my heart or get my arteries tangled around my lungs.
i should have told you what yc
1 tag
Start at whatever point you determine to be...
- a friend.
i was born upon the death of my twin, two and a half months early into the height of summer, with long red hair and transparent blue-veined skin.
1 tag
If I asked you to tell me everything that goes on...
- a friend.
yes, i would. how would you like me to start?
[edit: there will be many un-published events that i will send to you alone.]
three years ago tonight, christmas eve, my world collapsed. the pain hasn’t lessened and the darkness has grown so strong. but maybe i’m stronger. after all, it’s been three years.
dear laura
never regret loving someone. even if it ends badly. loving someone with all your heart can only be a good thing.
and these children
that you spit on
as they try to change their worlds
are immune to your consultations
they’re quite aware
of what they’re going through
“i often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.”
– van gogh.
trying to stay afloat
i didn’t fail
i’m still here
my masters class graduated today. i don’t know how i feel about it. that could have been me, you know? i don’t feel disappointed or sad. maybe rueful is the right word. if my life had gone differently. if i hadn’t been ill. oh, if i hadn’t been ill… but i was, and i am, and i made the decision i had to make. it’s one of the few things i don’t regret....
he doesn’t know what else they can do for me
he doesn’t know what else they can do for me
and i was so used to being the broken one
i failed to look for the cracks in your smiling lips
today i wrote twenty seven christmas cards for the street and delivered them. i was nervous, and at one point hid from the people in number twenty-two because it was a shock to see them on their driveway, but i did it and i got home okay. it’s the fifth time i’ve left the house of my own volition. today my psychiatrist also told me he doesn’t know what more he can do for me,...
[everything eventually grows towards the sun]
