January 2011
( K A P | A K E )
it’s something. but.. shouldn’t be this relieved.
Through visiting your blog, I have fallen in love...
- anonymous.
o.o
dear body,
you are not in pain. not really. so you are not getting painkillers.
1 tag
/the world before her/was sober/with no place to go//
what's the last song you had stuck in your head?
- masudasan.
the smiths, i know it’s over. some songs get you in the gut, you know?
oh mother, i can feel the soil falling over my head and as i climb into an empty bed… oh well, enough said. i know it’s over still i cling i don’t know where else i can go, mother. oh mother, i can feel the soil falling over my head see, the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit...
i forgot how nice it is to hold someone’s hand. and for them to not pull away, to just keep holding yours. holding it tighter when your tears come harder.
she sat opposite us at the end of the locker room, on one of the numerous shoe grills. she looked at me and then she shook her head. you’ve had a shit life so far, laur, she said. and i cried again, because i didn’t think i had, and i could see something odd in her face, and i was confused and the shaking wouldn’t stop.
1 tag
me: remember when we lived in marcross and that man used to stand at my bedroom window at night, before i got curtains?
mum: ...that wasn't you telling another weird joke?
the barmaid gave a well-rehersed smile. it’s cold out there, she sang, giving me an excuse in case i wanted it.
yesterday i lost the thread in work and my boss wrote me off, sent me home. it took me more than two hours to leave. i crossed the road and went into the pub. i spent little time there - the duration of three songs on the jukebox - and when got to the train station five minutes down the road i was drunk. i took six pills before i went to bed, two of three different types; slices of chalk,...
“two years ago tonight i was sat on a curb in berlin near a sex museum, getting...”
– it was the start of my breakdown, little did i know.
i want to link my ask box to everyone i know, telling them to give me something to wake up #####. but it sounds silly, so i won't.
tell me the worst thing today, and let it go.
- anonymous.
realising i have always been and maybe always will be second choice, backup, time filler. no one’s number one. except to one person, once - and that was because they wanted to be diligent in hurting me, to focus on really hurting no one but me.
don’t know if i can let that one go. because it’s exactly what i deserve. but. the reminders are coming thick and fast.
just to step outside of my skin, just for a while, just for a rest. it’ll be fine then.
but if you ask me what i want to do, how i want to change it, how i want to make up for lost time, i couldn't tell you. i don't know. aside from beer and whores and good music, i just don't fucking know.
the fear that i'm wasting time, that doesn't help...
i should be careful. the occasional bout of loneliness makes me do stupid things.
First love does not mean best love, and best...
- anonymous.
that’s pretty. but why are you saying it?
Do you know the famous women you lust over are...
- anonymous.
first of all, it’s kate moennig.
second of all, what?
last night:
mum: i'm going to have an early night.
dad: i'm going to put the chips in.
me: i'm going to have my wrist tattooed.
“since your recent visit to the mental health clinic, please book an immediate...”
– first, thanks for that lovely name. second, ongoing management? seriously?
i can do a great impression
of an alcoholic
okay. calm. i just realised i didn’t take my meds last night, after that film. that’s why i’m shaking but not why i feel so.. relieved? pleased. it’s not.
that's why i didn't do anything. i didn't trust...
you tell me about your adventures last night, the ones you're gonna have tonight. yes, i'm jealous. but not in the way you think. i'm jealous of your recklessness, of your lifestyle. i'm jealous that you don't have any self control. i'm jealous that you don't need it - that you're so sure you could stop when you wanted to, that you wouldn't get lost in yourself. i'm jealous that you don't second guess yourself. i'm jealous you've found all this out as a teenager. and i think i just figured out why i like you. you're part of what i wanted to be when i was seventeen. part of what i still want to be, fearing it's too late. free.
alright laur :)
i’ve been waiting for your text for a long time.
the way you always used to greet me.
i imagined it flashing up on my screen.
23rd january 2001, 12:13am, i finally get it.
except it’s not from you.
it’s from a friend.
and somehow i’m okay with that.
It seems to me that the question at the end of...
- davidtiniusrossi.
you’re right, and i think i also said it with some vague hilarity. i’m going to try another george too. let me know how yours gets on? <3
What a wonderful story. Sad, but wonderfully...
- morningwonderland.
i think it’s a bit of a surprise because i deliberately keep myself at arm’s length when it comes to relationships, of any kind. but you’re right. i guess george got everything that was left over.
i just watched this film called 28 days because it has sandra bullock in. she’s a drunk addict writer who goes to rehab and changes her whole misguided life, etcetera. but at one point, they’re talking about after. after they’ve finished treatment, after they’ve left, after, when they want to be ready for people and relationships and normal life things. the doctor tells...
in my dream i had a tattoo on my left wrist, on my pulse, of two fingerprints. i'm gonna wait a week or so to make sure and then i'm gonna book myself in. i liked it.
smoke with @odd-sock
vunderlaand:
brb
we did it. dan and laur finally have a smoke!
so i've been contemplating a cigarette for...
1 tag
yes, i would like to come over.
yes, i would like to massage your sore muscles.
yes, i would like you to tell her to fuck off out of your life.
yes, i would like to talk about collarbones some more.
yes, i would like to go ice-skating.
doesn’t matter what i want.